Motherhood

 I’ve been wide awake since 2:00am which is not normal for me. I usually am so tired that sleep comes whether I’m ready or not.  But not this morning. I worked up twice to comfort baby Kate, who is feeling a little sick and instead of falling back to sleep, I can’t help thinking about motherhood. My brain is running a million miles.  In some ways, I feel like I’m failing at it. I’ve made so many mistakes that I almost don’t know which way to turn to make reparations. But I also feel like my kids are doing well. So maybe it’s just the nature of motherhood that so much craziness can go on, yet the world keeps turning and we can rise out of the ashes of our mistakes. This global pandemic has taken a toll on our family. I feel like I’ve been much more negative and selfish. It’s affected my relationship with Leland and with the kids. Oh to go back to yesteryear! But that’s not how life works, even though I wish we could erase our mistakes and start over. Not to mention raising kids is a full time job! It’s often confusing. Help your kids have self-esteem but not too much self-esteem! Teach your kids about work, but don’t run them into the ground. Also don’t do everything for them, but don’t make them do everything for themselves, love them but don’t coddle etc it’s hard to get everything just right.  

I’m trying to help Peter with his reading and that is a challenge. Peter is special and sweet and very smart, but he doesn’t want to listen all the time and gets easily worked up when he doesn’t know the right answer. I feel like I have a million things riding on my shoulders that when he gets worked up, I find it hard to keep my cool. I’m hoping it will catch on as he gets older.  

Parenting teens is hard too. It’s the emotional battles that get me. I hardly know what to do with my own emotions, let alone someone else’s. I guess it’s comforting that there are so many good examples of mothers on my side and Leland’s. I think I’m going to be alright. 

Up and Running!

Though I enjoy reading other people's blogs, I realize I haven't written a blog post in possibly years.  So... Here goes: The kids got bigger.  The older two started school.  Last year I had three school drop-off/pick-up times because Jack was in part-day Kindergarten, but now that he's in first grade, I just have to drop off at the same location once and pick up at the same location once per day.  That makes things for the younger two and me much more manageable.  I still plan my days to fit nicely around an afternoon nap for any of the younger children who need it (currently only the youngest) and me (yeah, in the 8 years of raising kids, I have yet to give up my afternoon nap).  

In many ways, I feel like an addict.  "Oh, your mommy-group lunch is from 11:00-1:00? Oh, we have plans for noon, but can come for a little while."

My plans? stretching out on the couch while Alice watches one Netflix show and then uses her imagination for 20 minutes.  That's about all I can do (unless its during a break from school which allows me to sleep for a good hour or so while the kids play all together...and that's not the only reason I like to have them home from school.  I do love to play games with them and talk to them and all that jazz that comes with parenting;).

I'm actually a little sleepier than normal now, because we are expecting baby number 5 in 5 long months.  And though I don't get sick during pregnancy, I do get very tired.

If I'm not shuttling the kids to school (or soccer, or baseball, or dance, or Activity Days, or birthday parties, or whatever else), and I'm not sleeping, or playing with the kids, then I'm usually trying to keep things tidy (I know, a losing battle), or looking on Pinterest aka fixing dinner, sewing, or reading, or studying the contents of my phone, which is sometimes a black hole.

Hopefully, this blog will focus on interesting things...I guess we will see!